Yesterday was Austin's 16th birthday, and my heart aches as I am unable to wish him a Happy Birthday. I can only imagine what a wonderful young man he is becoming!
As I bide my time waiting till all four of my children can become of an age where their father can no longer interfere. It kills me every day to not have them in my lives and that I can not be in their lives. I want nothing more than for each of them to be loved and cared for. I can only hope for the best and hope that one day when they come to find me that they will understand that it wasn't my doing that caused me to not be a part of their lives.
I have missed out on so much.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Seven days till Austin's Birthday
I find that as Austin's birthday is approaching that I have to fight even harder every day to not let the negative thoughts and emotions take hold of me and pull down into that dark tunnel of dispair. At times I believe that I almost would prefer to be wrapped up into that blanket of darkness because the light of a new day reminds me it is another day that I don't have my children. Another day that I don't get to talk to them and another day that my kids don't know why their mother isn't in their lives.
But as Austin's birthday approaches I try to remember; as I do with all four of my children; the joy of what I felt when I gave birth to him and all the wonderful memories. And I enjoy remembering his warm smile and how wonderfully he sweet and loving he is. His smile could light up any room and his warm eyes would melt anyones heart. He was and still is my angel. You could always count on Austin to make you smile and to come to your defense. He is sincere and loyal and it breaks my heart to think that him and his siblings might feel that I wasn't loyal and loving to them because I have missed out on so much.
My heart swells with both agony joy as I think of him and think of the young man he is becoming as this birthday is a milestone as he is now old enough to have a license's to drive. So here is to Austin's and I hope and pray that he has an absolutely wonderful birthday and that he knows his real Mother is thinking of him and loves him dearly and misses him so very very much!!
Happy Birthday Austin, continue being the angel you have always been to me!!
But as Austin's birthday approaches I try to remember; as I do with all four of my children; the joy of what I felt when I gave birth to him and all the wonderful memories. And I enjoy remembering his warm smile and how wonderfully he sweet and loving he is. His smile could light up any room and his warm eyes would melt anyones heart. He was and still is my angel. You could always count on Austin to make you smile and to come to your defense. He is sincere and loyal and it breaks my heart to think that him and his siblings might feel that I wasn't loyal and loving to them because I have missed out on so much.
My heart swells with both agony joy as I think of him and think of the young man he is becoming as this birthday is a milestone as he is now old enough to have a license's to drive. So here is to Austin's and I hope and pray that he has an absolutely wonderful birthday and that he knows his real Mother is thinking of him and loves him dearly and misses him so very very much!!
Happy Birthday Austin, continue being the angel you have always been to me!!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The ache of my empty arms is the ache echoing from my heart
Each and every day is a battle to get myself out of bed and not just stay in bed curled up in a ball with the cover's thrown over my head and just hoping to melt into the bed, but I take a deep breath and remind myself that my kids still need me. I put on a brave face and to the outside world they would never know that my heart is bruised, broken and bleeding, because to them I look them in the eyes and smile and laugh and appear to have no worries. On days like this I consider them a good day, that today the walls I built to hold back the dam of tears worked and I believe I might actually be happy. But when I am happy I feel guilty for being happy.
Why should I be happy? I don't have any reason to be happy. I gave up, I didn't even fight. And these are the thoughts I have to continually beat down so that I don't get engulfed with these negative thoughts. However there is always a couple that still refuse to be beaten down. Like, I am a bad mother, and my kids are going to hate me for not being there for them. It breaks my heart to know that I have missed out on so much of their lives and that is time I will never get back or make up for.
And then I get angry. So angry that I wish I could install a punching bag in my house with the ex-husbands face on it, and just take all the pent up anger, hurt and fustration out on it. Just picturing me doing that I makes me laugh. But I do have to say I think it would feel good.
In the five years I haven't seen my children I know I have missed out on their first loves, and being able to share that with them. As well as their first love breaking their hearts and that I am not there to comfort them. I haven't been able to share any of thier accomplishments, and cheer them on at sports events, or concerts or any of the activities that they have decided to take part in. And it is times like this that I look up to the skies and search for my answers and pray that my babies who are not babies any more know that without a doubt that their Mom, their True Mom loves them more then they will ever know and that I pray for thier happiness and well being.
There isn't a day where they aren't on my mind and I keep praying for them and praying that we will get to be reunited soon. And I pray for their father as well, I pray that his heart of poison and ice thaw and he realizes that our children need both of us in their lives and that karma has a way of coming back to you. I also pray that one day, one day I might be able to forgive him for everything he has done and for everything he continues to do. I have a friend that tells me I just need to get over it and let it go.
Of course this is a friend that doesn't have children of his own and has no idea what it is like to be a parent. And I am not saying that the pain of not having your child is any less for a father, but I am their mother they were inside of me. I had the honor and privellage of feeling them grow in me and I supported their life, I remember to this day what it was like to feel their first kick and movement. There is just such a bond between a mother and her unborn child that carries on even after they are born and no one can ever break that bond. They can try, they might even put up walls between that bond but that bond is there and will remain. And that is what keeps me going every day. I just keep telling myself that one day they will come looking for me and I will here waiting for them and he will not be able to stop them.
Why should I be happy? I don't have any reason to be happy. I gave up, I didn't even fight. And these are the thoughts I have to continually beat down so that I don't get engulfed with these negative thoughts. However there is always a couple that still refuse to be beaten down. Like, I am a bad mother, and my kids are going to hate me for not being there for them. It breaks my heart to know that I have missed out on so much of their lives and that is time I will never get back or make up for.
And then I get angry. So angry that I wish I could install a punching bag in my house with the ex-husbands face on it, and just take all the pent up anger, hurt and fustration out on it. Just picturing me doing that I makes me laugh. But I do have to say I think it would feel good.
In the five years I haven't seen my children I know I have missed out on their first loves, and being able to share that with them. As well as their first love breaking their hearts and that I am not there to comfort them. I haven't been able to share any of thier accomplishments, and cheer them on at sports events, or concerts or any of the activities that they have decided to take part in. And it is times like this that I look up to the skies and search for my answers and pray that my babies who are not babies any more know that without a doubt that their Mom, their True Mom loves them more then they will ever know and that I pray for thier happiness and well being.
There isn't a day where they aren't on my mind and I keep praying for them and praying that we will get to be reunited soon. And I pray for their father as well, I pray that his heart of poison and ice thaw and he realizes that our children need both of us in their lives and that karma has a way of coming back to you. I also pray that one day, one day I might be able to forgive him for everything he has done and for everything he continues to do. I have a friend that tells me I just need to get over it and let it go.
Of course this is a friend that doesn't have children of his own and has no idea what it is like to be a parent. And I am not saying that the pain of not having your child is any less for a father, but I am their mother they were inside of me. I had the honor and privellage of feeling them grow in me and I supported their life, I remember to this day what it was like to feel their first kick and movement. There is just such a bond between a mother and her unborn child that carries on even after they are born and no one can ever break that bond. They can try, they might even put up walls between that bond but that bond is there and will remain. And that is what keeps me going every day. I just keep telling myself that one day they will come looking for me and I will here waiting for them and he will not be able to stop them.
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Mother's Empty Arms-the begining of the end
Let me start by introducing myself, my name is Karie and I am a mother to 4 absolutely wonderful children. Children that I don't get to see or talk with because I no longer have custody of them my ex-husband and his wife have custody of them. Don't get me wrong I am suppose to have visitation and daily contact with my children, however my ex-husband lives in Virginia and I am in Missouri and him and his current wife find every loop hole to make sure I don't see them or talk with them.
I am sure you are scratching your head saying it is impossible a woman would not loose custody of her children the courts wouldn't do that, or I must be a horrible person to have lost my children. Well I would like to believe I am not a horrible person, but I am also not perfect and have made a few mistakes, and yes the courts will take children away from a mother even if she loves them more than life itself because in the courts love is not enough, its all about who has more money.
My children were my world, and my ex-husband knew that and knew that our children were the only way he would have any kind of control on me now that we were divorced.
My ex-husband started out as my knight in shinning armor and was as sweet and loving as could be, that is until we had our first child. After Miguel was born I should of seen the major red flag that flew up shortly after we brought him home. Miguel was pre-mature and we had to bring him home on a monitor because he had sleep apnea (which means he would stop breathing when he was asleep) it was a rough time; especially on me as I was only 19 at the time and being a newlywed to a Marine and being a new mother to a premature baby was alot to take in. But I had decided to nurse Miguel as that would be the best thing for him and I also wanted to do it because I knew it would build a bond with Miguel even more. However as I said shortly after bringing Miguel home my ex-husband (who will remain un-named) demanded that I stop nursing our son!! Saying that my breast, that are attached to my body, belonged to him and he was tired of having to share them. I looked at him like he was crazy but understood that he might be feeling left out so I tried to down play what he said and make a joke about. I told him that I believe my breast were mine and that I only occassionally loaned them to him and that I wouldn't stop nursing our son as this was the best thing for him.
Well this led to our first fight. He ordered me to stop nursing our son. I told him again I wouldn't and that he should be ashamed of himself for demanding that I stop nursing our son and that he is forgetting that this was what was best. ( On a side note all this took place in front of one of close friends ) Well this just enraged my ex-husband and got in my face with our son in my arms yelling at me, I got up and placed our son in his crib as I was concerned for his safety. As I did this my ex grabbed my arm and told me I needed to listen to him. I said I wouldn't do that if it meant denying our son what was best for him. He continued to yell at me and I began to fear for my own safety so I ran out of the house called a friend to come get me from our local drug store. As I ran out of the apartment my ex punched a hole in the wall. Major red flag-one that was ignored.
Fast forward a couple of years and we had another son; Austin and I was pregnant again. So we now have two toddlers and I was about to burst with number three and had gotten into that nesting stage and wanted to start cleaning the house from top to bottom. So I had suggested we work together and it would get done much faster. He agreed. I told him I would start at the back of the apartment and he could start in the kitchen and we could work our way to the middle. He didn't like that idea at all and demanded that I come help him in the kitchen, and I being stubborn told him no I was going to clean the bedrooms and work my way forward. He kept yelling and demanding and I kept telling him no. The next thing I know is he burst into the room I was in picks me up by my waist and tosses me over his shoulder like I was a sack of potatoes and carries me to kitchen where he dropped me to the floor. Now mind you both of our first two children were premature and I was already having labor pains with this one but he didn't care he just dropped me to floor like I was nothing more than a rag doll. I couldn't breathe he dropped me so hard and my back hurt and my whole body felt like it had been ran over. He stood over me and demanded that I stand up and quit faking and help him. However every time I tried I couldn't move because I had severe pains in my stomach. I litterally crawled from the kitchen to our bedroom and locked the door. The whole time I heard him yelling at me. I pulled myself up to our bed and laid there trying to catch my breath and calm myself down so that no further harm could be done to our unborn child. He finally came to our bedroom door telling me to let him in and I told him no I was going to call the police or my parents I didn't want him near me and that I was hurt bad. He kept apologizing from the other side of the door and telling me he was concerned. I finally gave in after making him promise he would stay arms length away from me and that he wouldn't touch me. He promised, and yes an even bigger red flag was flying and I ignored it.
Needless to say the abuse didn't stop it just got worse because he was not only physically hurting me he had succeeded in crushing my self esteem with his words. There were times his words cut deeper and hurt more than anything physical he could do. But I didn't want to tear up our family the kids needed him he was their father. So after Hope our daughter and John our son were born things were out of control on both of us. I was terrified of him and he had complete control of me and he knew it.
Little did I know that he had a plan to try to break me even more. He had tried to re-enlist for a third tour with the Marines but they wouldn't let him, they said he was out of shape. He had gone to the military housing department and told him that he was leaving and that the house would be vacated, but he didn't share that with me. Instead one morning I woke up to him telling me that I need to take him to the LAX airport because he had to go to Pennsylvinia for a job he had been hired for. Another thing he didn't bother to share. So I asked him what about me and the kids and he said he would send for us once he got settled and found a house for all of us. So I blindly take him to the airport we said our goodbyes and the next day I had the housing athority knocking on my door telling me I was suppose to be out of there already. I asked them why and they just told me that I had till the end of the day to be out. I paniced and started calling everyone I knew to see if they could help. My friend Richard, who was also a Marine but also a single father; stepped in and pulled a few strings and got me 48 hours to pack up the house and find somewhere for me and my four children to go.
Can you imagine basically losing your husband, your home and your world just being turned upside down and shaken like one of those glass snow balls? I reached out to so many people and thankfully I had some really good friends that stepped up to help me. I reached out to my family too but didn't get much support there, because to them I was the one that was in the wrong. I had hid for 7 years of our marriage the abuse from my ex so my family didn't know anything about it. Also during this time my parents especially my mother believed in "Tough Love" and told me that I should take her 4 grandchildren, my four babies and go stay in "One of Those Shelters". I was shocked and astounded how could the people that were suppose to love you the most no matter what not help me and if not me, how could they not help the 4 innocent children that didn't know what was going on.
So every friend I had at that time came over and began the process of throwing everything I had either in trash bags or boxes and loading in on to a Uhaul truck. I grabbed my children and just sat there in a state of shock as I was watching my life of 7 years being thrown in trash bags and cried. This was all part of my ex-husbands plan. He thought I would cave in and that I would have no support therefore he would win and get the kids from me. But what he didn't count on was the support I had gotten from my friends. Thanks to them I slowly regained my sense of self worth and felt like me and the kids would be fine.
Me and all four of my children moved in with my friend Richard, it was a win/win situation for the both of us. He needed help with his daughter and we needed a place to live so that is what we did. I helped to take care of his daughter in exchange for roof over our heads. All this did was enrage my ex but what enraged him even more was I was starting to stand up to him and I was the one giving orders now.
Fast forward some more and you have me and my children moving to Missiouri with Richard. I did this for a couple of reasons, but the main one was I wanted to do what was best for the kids and I knew Missouri would be closer to their father than California was, so if he decided to be the father he should be it would be easier for him to come see the kids. We filed for our divorce in 2000 and I ended up with custody of the kids and he had visitations. I continually tried to work with him on his visit's and during the summer I even let him have the kids for an extra week. But slowly he started back to his old ways and began to work his way around the system. He would have visitation and than promptly upon returning the children he would make allegations to the Children and Family Service department claiming the children were being abused.
I never laid a hand on my children in anger, yes they may have gotten spanked on ther bum's when needed but never were there any marks, and I never spoke down to my children. My kids were my world my everything. To me they were all I had in this world. But my ex could be rather convincing when he wanted something to go his way and slowly he was building a paper trail with Family services. Every time they could not confirm his allegations but that didn't matter when it came time to go back to court again., because all the court saw was the paper trail. It also didn't help that I was having a hard time trying to work to support 4 children that were 6 years of age and younger, and he never quiet paid his support when he was suppose to. So I was trying to support 4 children and myself on $9/hr. I was struggling by now because me and my kids were on our own now as my friend Richard had found someone he wanted to be with and live with.
So my ex husband and his wife were constantly tearing me down telling me I was a terrible mother and trying their very best to ruin me. And ruin me they did. While I was at work one day I was called to the front of the store where I was served Protection Order's and informed that I was not allowed to see my children, that my ex husband and the police already picked up the children from their schools and daycare. All of this was like a slap in the face and my stomache was wrenching and all I could do was stand there looking at the man that just served me the worst news I had ever gotten. I didn't know what to do, I felt as if I was dying slowly and painfully as the words "You are not allowed to see your children" ran over and over in my mind. And my manager at the time was the biggest Douche Bag in the world at that point to me as he said to me I had better get back to work because if I didn't he would fire me..........Really?? Was this really happening this way? So I numbly walked back to the back of the store trying to gather myself up to work so I wouldn't lose my job on top of this. But all I could do was just stand in the back crying and I finally told my manager that I was sorry but due to my circumstances I needed to leave.
So here is what happened in a short summed up version. The man that abused me, threatened to kill me, the man that abandoned his children and refused to take care of them, in the end has ended up with full custody of our children and now I had to pay him child support, I had to pay for the transporation of our 4 children for our visits. I had to do all of this and try to support myself I began to think the world and my kids would be better off with out me. The day in court where I had to tell them good bye was the hardest thing in the world. I had been strongly bullied into signing custody over to my ex husband by his attorney and the social worker as they advised me if I didn't they would take the kids away from me regardless and then they would be in the system and be seperated. I also didn't want to put my kids through a long torn out battle in court with me and their father so I did what I thought was in their best interest at that time and signed my rights over to their father. I knew that they would be better off finically with him and I at least still had visitations with them. But that day in that court room part of me died and the rest of me wanted to die too.
I will end this post with this for now by simply saying there is nothing worse in the world than wanting to hold your child and hug them and all you have are empty arms. I am doing this also because I want other parents with out custody to know they aren't alone and to suggest that you find a great support system. But know that I will be happy to listen to anything anyone else cares to share. Also if anyone has any suggestions or links to share for support purposes please share them. I am still trying to this day to figure out the system and to get to see my kids again as it is now going on 5 years with out seeing them and 4 years without being able to talk to them.
I am sure you are scratching your head saying it is impossible a woman would not loose custody of her children the courts wouldn't do that, or I must be a horrible person to have lost my children. Well I would like to believe I am not a horrible person, but I am also not perfect and have made a few mistakes, and yes the courts will take children away from a mother even if she loves them more than life itself because in the courts love is not enough, its all about who has more money.
My children were my world, and my ex-husband knew that and knew that our children were the only way he would have any kind of control on me now that we were divorced.
My ex-husband started out as my knight in shinning armor and was as sweet and loving as could be, that is until we had our first child. After Miguel was born I should of seen the major red flag that flew up shortly after we brought him home. Miguel was pre-mature and we had to bring him home on a monitor because he had sleep apnea (which means he would stop breathing when he was asleep) it was a rough time; especially on me as I was only 19 at the time and being a newlywed to a Marine and being a new mother to a premature baby was alot to take in. But I had decided to nurse Miguel as that would be the best thing for him and I also wanted to do it because I knew it would build a bond with Miguel even more. However as I said shortly after bringing Miguel home my ex-husband (who will remain un-named) demanded that I stop nursing our son!! Saying that my breast, that are attached to my body, belonged to him and he was tired of having to share them. I looked at him like he was crazy but understood that he might be feeling left out so I tried to down play what he said and make a joke about. I told him that I believe my breast were mine and that I only occassionally loaned them to him and that I wouldn't stop nursing our son as this was the best thing for him.
Well this led to our first fight. He ordered me to stop nursing our son. I told him again I wouldn't and that he should be ashamed of himself for demanding that I stop nursing our son and that he is forgetting that this was what was best. ( On a side note all this took place in front of one of close friends ) Well this just enraged my ex-husband and got in my face with our son in my arms yelling at me, I got up and placed our son in his crib as I was concerned for his safety. As I did this my ex grabbed my arm and told me I needed to listen to him. I said I wouldn't do that if it meant denying our son what was best for him. He continued to yell at me and I began to fear for my own safety so I ran out of the house called a friend to come get me from our local drug store. As I ran out of the apartment my ex punched a hole in the wall. Major red flag-one that was ignored.
Fast forward a couple of years and we had another son; Austin and I was pregnant again. So we now have two toddlers and I was about to burst with number three and had gotten into that nesting stage and wanted to start cleaning the house from top to bottom. So I had suggested we work together and it would get done much faster. He agreed. I told him I would start at the back of the apartment and he could start in the kitchen and we could work our way to the middle. He didn't like that idea at all and demanded that I come help him in the kitchen, and I being stubborn told him no I was going to clean the bedrooms and work my way forward. He kept yelling and demanding and I kept telling him no. The next thing I know is he burst into the room I was in picks me up by my waist and tosses me over his shoulder like I was a sack of potatoes and carries me to kitchen where he dropped me to the floor. Now mind you both of our first two children were premature and I was already having labor pains with this one but he didn't care he just dropped me to floor like I was nothing more than a rag doll. I couldn't breathe he dropped me so hard and my back hurt and my whole body felt like it had been ran over. He stood over me and demanded that I stand up and quit faking and help him. However every time I tried I couldn't move because I had severe pains in my stomach. I litterally crawled from the kitchen to our bedroom and locked the door. The whole time I heard him yelling at me. I pulled myself up to our bed and laid there trying to catch my breath and calm myself down so that no further harm could be done to our unborn child. He finally came to our bedroom door telling me to let him in and I told him no I was going to call the police or my parents I didn't want him near me and that I was hurt bad. He kept apologizing from the other side of the door and telling me he was concerned. I finally gave in after making him promise he would stay arms length away from me and that he wouldn't touch me. He promised, and yes an even bigger red flag was flying and I ignored it.
Needless to say the abuse didn't stop it just got worse because he was not only physically hurting me he had succeeded in crushing my self esteem with his words. There were times his words cut deeper and hurt more than anything physical he could do. But I didn't want to tear up our family the kids needed him he was their father. So after Hope our daughter and John our son were born things were out of control on both of us. I was terrified of him and he had complete control of me and he knew it.
Little did I know that he had a plan to try to break me even more. He had tried to re-enlist for a third tour with the Marines but they wouldn't let him, they said he was out of shape. He had gone to the military housing department and told him that he was leaving and that the house would be vacated, but he didn't share that with me. Instead one morning I woke up to him telling me that I need to take him to the LAX airport because he had to go to Pennsylvinia for a job he had been hired for. Another thing he didn't bother to share. So I asked him what about me and the kids and he said he would send for us once he got settled and found a house for all of us. So I blindly take him to the airport we said our goodbyes and the next day I had the housing athority knocking on my door telling me I was suppose to be out of there already. I asked them why and they just told me that I had till the end of the day to be out. I paniced and started calling everyone I knew to see if they could help. My friend Richard, who was also a Marine but also a single father; stepped in and pulled a few strings and got me 48 hours to pack up the house and find somewhere for me and my four children to go.
Can you imagine basically losing your husband, your home and your world just being turned upside down and shaken like one of those glass snow balls? I reached out to so many people and thankfully I had some really good friends that stepped up to help me. I reached out to my family too but didn't get much support there, because to them I was the one that was in the wrong. I had hid for 7 years of our marriage the abuse from my ex so my family didn't know anything about it. Also during this time my parents especially my mother believed in "Tough Love" and told me that I should take her 4 grandchildren, my four babies and go stay in "One of Those Shelters". I was shocked and astounded how could the people that were suppose to love you the most no matter what not help me and if not me, how could they not help the 4 innocent children that didn't know what was going on.
So every friend I had at that time came over and began the process of throwing everything I had either in trash bags or boxes and loading in on to a Uhaul truck. I grabbed my children and just sat there in a state of shock as I was watching my life of 7 years being thrown in trash bags and cried. This was all part of my ex-husbands plan. He thought I would cave in and that I would have no support therefore he would win and get the kids from me. But what he didn't count on was the support I had gotten from my friends. Thanks to them I slowly regained my sense of self worth and felt like me and the kids would be fine.
Me and all four of my children moved in with my friend Richard, it was a win/win situation for the both of us. He needed help with his daughter and we needed a place to live so that is what we did. I helped to take care of his daughter in exchange for roof over our heads. All this did was enrage my ex but what enraged him even more was I was starting to stand up to him and I was the one giving orders now.
Fast forward some more and you have me and my children moving to Missiouri with Richard. I did this for a couple of reasons, but the main one was I wanted to do what was best for the kids and I knew Missouri would be closer to their father than California was, so if he decided to be the father he should be it would be easier for him to come see the kids. We filed for our divorce in 2000 and I ended up with custody of the kids and he had visitations. I continually tried to work with him on his visit's and during the summer I even let him have the kids for an extra week. But slowly he started back to his old ways and began to work his way around the system. He would have visitation and than promptly upon returning the children he would make allegations to the Children and Family Service department claiming the children were being abused.
I never laid a hand on my children in anger, yes they may have gotten spanked on ther bum's when needed but never were there any marks, and I never spoke down to my children. My kids were my world my everything. To me they were all I had in this world. But my ex could be rather convincing when he wanted something to go his way and slowly he was building a paper trail with Family services. Every time they could not confirm his allegations but that didn't matter when it came time to go back to court again., because all the court saw was the paper trail. It also didn't help that I was having a hard time trying to work to support 4 children that were 6 years of age and younger, and he never quiet paid his support when he was suppose to. So I was trying to support 4 children and myself on $9/hr. I was struggling by now because me and my kids were on our own now as my friend Richard had found someone he wanted to be with and live with.
So my ex husband and his wife were constantly tearing me down telling me I was a terrible mother and trying their very best to ruin me. And ruin me they did. While I was at work one day I was called to the front of the store where I was served Protection Order's and informed that I was not allowed to see my children, that my ex husband and the police already picked up the children from their schools and daycare. All of this was like a slap in the face and my stomache was wrenching and all I could do was stand there looking at the man that just served me the worst news I had ever gotten. I didn't know what to do, I felt as if I was dying slowly and painfully as the words "You are not allowed to see your children" ran over and over in my mind. And my manager at the time was the biggest Douche Bag in the world at that point to me as he said to me I had better get back to work because if I didn't he would fire me..........Really?? Was this really happening this way? So I numbly walked back to the back of the store trying to gather myself up to work so I wouldn't lose my job on top of this. But all I could do was just stand in the back crying and I finally told my manager that I was sorry but due to my circumstances I needed to leave.
So here is what happened in a short summed up version. The man that abused me, threatened to kill me, the man that abandoned his children and refused to take care of them, in the end has ended up with full custody of our children and now I had to pay him child support, I had to pay for the transporation of our 4 children for our visits. I had to do all of this and try to support myself I began to think the world and my kids would be better off with out me. The day in court where I had to tell them good bye was the hardest thing in the world. I had been strongly bullied into signing custody over to my ex husband by his attorney and the social worker as they advised me if I didn't they would take the kids away from me regardless and then they would be in the system and be seperated. I also didn't want to put my kids through a long torn out battle in court with me and their father so I did what I thought was in their best interest at that time and signed my rights over to their father. I knew that they would be better off finically with him and I at least still had visitations with them. But that day in that court room part of me died and the rest of me wanted to die too.
I will end this post with this for now by simply saying there is nothing worse in the world than wanting to hold your child and hug them and all you have are empty arms. I am doing this also because I want other parents with out custody to know they aren't alone and to suggest that you find a great support system. But know that I will be happy to listen to anything anyone else cares to share. Also if anyone has any suggestions or links to share for support purposes please share them. I am still trying to this day to figure out the system and to get to see my kids again as it is now going on 5 years with out seeing them and 4 years without being able to talk to them.
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