Each and every day is a battle to get myself out of bed and not just stay in bed curled up in a ball with the cover's thrown over my head and just hoping to melt into the bed, but I take a deep breath and remind myself that my kids still need me. I put on a brave face and to the outside world they would never know that my heart is bruised, broken and bleeding, because to them I look them in the eyes and smile and laugh and appear to have no worries. On days like this I consider them a good day, that today the walls I built to hold back the dam of tears worked and I believe I might actually be happy. But when I am happy I feel guilty for being happy.
Why should I be happy? I don't have any reason to be happy. I gave up, I didn't even fight. And these are the thoughts I have to continually beat down so that I don't get engulfed with these negative thoughts. However there is always a couple that still refuse to be beaten down. Like, I am a bad mother, and my kids are going to hate me for not being there for them. It breaks my heart to know that I have missed out on so much of their lives and that is time I will never get back or make up for.
And then I get angry. So angry that I wish I could install a punching bag in my house with the ex-husbands face on it, and just take all the pent up anger, hurt and fustration out on it. Just picturing me doing that I makes me laugh. But I do have to say I think it would feel good.
In the five years I haven't seen my children I know I have missed out on their first loves, and being able to share that with them. As well as their first love breaking their hearts and that I am not there to comfort them. I haven't been able to share any of thier accomplishments, and cheer them on at sports events, or concerts or any of the activities that they have decided to take part in. And it is times like this that I look up to the skies and search for my answers and pray that my babies who are not babies any more know that without a doubt that their Mom, their True Mom loves them more then they will ever know and that I pray for thier happiness and well being.
There isn't a day where they aren't on my mind and I keep praying for them and praying that we will get to be reunited soon. And I pray for their father as well, I pray that his heart of poison and ice thaw and he realizes that our children need both of us in their lives and that karma has a way of coming back to you. I also pray that one day, one day I might be able to forgive him for everything he has done and for everything he continues to do. I have a friend that tells me I just need to get over it and let it go.
Of course this is a friend that doesn't have children of his own and has no idea what it is like to be a parent. And I am not saying that the pain of not having your child is any less for a father, but I am their mother they were inside of me. I had the honor and privellage of feeling them grow in me and I supported their life, I remember to this day what it was like to feel their first kick and movement. There is just such a bond between a mother and her unborn child that carries on even after they are born and no one can ever break that bond. They can try, they might even put up walls between that bond but that bond is there and will remain. And that is what keeps me going every day. I just keep telling myself that one day they will come looking for me and I will here waiting for them and he will not be able to stop them.
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