I find that as Austin's birthday is approaching that I have to fight even harder every day to not let the negative thoughts and emotions take hold of me and pull down into that dark tunnel of dispair. At times I believe that I almost would prefer to be wrapped up into that blanket of darkness because the light of a new day reminds me it is another day that I don't have my children. Another day that I don't get to talk to them and another day that my kids don't know why their mother isn't in their lives.
But as Austin's birthday approaches I try to remember; as I do with all four of my children; the joy of what I felt when I gave birth to him and all the wonderful memories. And I enjoy remembering his warm smile and how wonderfully he sweet and loving he is. His smile could light up any room and his warm eyes would melt anyones heart. He was and still is my angel. You could always count on Austin to make you smile and to come to your defense. He is sincere and loyal and it breaks my heart to think that him and his siblings might feel that I wasn't loyal and loving to them because I have missed out on so much.
My heart swells with both agony joy as I think of him and think of the young man he is becoming as this birthday is a milestone as he is now old enough to have a license's to drive. So here is to Austin's and I hope and pray that he has an absolutely wonderful birthday and that he knows his real Mother is thinking of him and loves him dearly and misses him so very very much!!
Happy Birthday Austin, continue being the angel you have always been to me!!
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